


Broken and Safe

by NeverSatisfiedGirl (Kalli_Ravenne)



Series: Love's Soldier [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Graphic Description
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-28 17:14:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10141061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalli_Ravenne/pseuds/NeverSatisfiedGirl
Summary: An anxiety attack after a hunt leads to a surprising revelation.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings: Angst, brief graphic violence, anxiety attack, hurt/comfort, and fluffiness**
> 
> **Prompt:[Stay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF8BRvqGCNs) by Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko**
> 
> ****A/N: Hello hello! This is kind of funny because it’s for both[@mrsbatesmotel53](https://tmblr.co/mkj3Stfpi2zjw6I9LCZQFwA) and her Motel Playlist Challenge, and [@iwantthedean](https://tmblr.co/myfVqUrW9N-kmjPJkYrHzlg)‘s YouAU Challenge (because the concept played so well into the little bit of mind-fuckery that takes place in this series). This is part five of the Love’s Soldier series, and it was meant to be the last, but it hasn’t let me go yet! Reading the first four definitely helps. I hope you enjoy it.****

Ever have those moments where it's so bad that you're pretty sure you earned it 'cause you royally fucked up somewhere in your life?  


Yeah. Well...after recent events it's safe to say that my crown is secure.

The Duchess of Disaster. That's me. Need something precious destroyed? I'm a goddamn pro. Twenty-four-seven, three-hundred-sixty-fucking-five a year wrecking machine for all your valuable friendships.

It sounds overdramatic, and it probably is, but you're just gonna have to forgive that since I'm far from fucking rational right now.

OK. Let me back up. 

It was a siren hunt in San Antonio. It was brutal. And once again, I was courted by the very thing we were hunting.

She was... 

God, she was captivating. Came to me as a fellow researcher/lore geek. Lithe, sharp, gorgeous, with all kinds of badassery at her disposal. She was who I aspired to be.

Something else about her though...It reminded me an awful lot of a pair of hunters I rolled with. The smart-aleck retorts, the smooth improvisation. Even her eyes had a certain quality to them.

I'd like to say that I should have known, but... loneliness is a hell of a thing.

We talked, laughed, even flirted a little bit. She told me everything I wanted - needed - to hear. It hit me hard, and in an especially vulnerable spot. All she did was push the right buttons and-

_***Buzz buzz! Buzz buzz!*** _

The vibe of my phone on the motel table took me out of my head for a moment. I know who it is and I'm not answering. 

I'm just grabbing my things so I can get back to the bunker, pack up, and get the hell out of dodge before they can catch up. 

The moment I stepped out of the motel door, I hit a wall of beige-coat-wearing angel. A graze of his fingers on my forehead and I was down for the count.

My last thought as I lost consciousness? 

_Oh, **that's** just cheating..._

* * *

_“I'm offering you exactly what he won't, Ariel. I can train you, protect you, give you everything you desire. All you have to do...is take him out.”_

_“Ariel, don't do this! She's infected you - you have to fight it!”_

_The bronze knife felt hot and heavy in my hand, but it was so easy to keep it at Sam’s throat. Both voices in my ear, blood boiling in my system, desire overwhelming my mind._

_“Ariel! Please. T_ _his isn't you.”_

_“He's lying to you, Ariel. He won't be satisfied with you being his equal and he'll keep you down. But I won't.”_

_It could be so easy. Sam didn't want me. But Margot did. Margot would look after me. Margot would love me forever._

_“You know that isn't true, Ariel. You're family to us. We need you. **I** need you.”_

_Sam...He_ needed _me?_

_Sam. He... saved me. He and Dean gave me a place and kept me safe. They saved my life._

_Now Dean was unconscious and Sam was terrified and trying to snap me out of this._

_Margot was the siren. Siren. **Siren**._

_“It's too late, Sam. You don't need me. You don't want me. She does. She's under my skin now... and she's got me under hers.”_

_Before even he could blink, I drove the knife through my left hand - fuck, did **that** ever hurt like hell! - enough to cover the blade in my infected blood, and then I drove it through Margot's chest. _

_The shriek that she emitted as she died was as ghastly as her true visage. If I never see that again, it'll be too damn soon._

_Cas patched up my hand, but… I couldn't look Sam or Dean in the eyes._

_Knowing what I'd done, what I almost did. It was too much. So I fled._

_I fled until I found our motel room, falling apart the entirety of the way._

* * *

The world slowly swam into focus as I opened my eyes. The front of my head pounded like an 808 in Ibiza during party season. A mass of brunet hair framed concerned kaleidoscope eyes, and it took everything not to bolt from...wherever the hell we were.

I can't do this. I can't face him.

A cold towel laid gently on my forehead felt strangely comforting, but I couldn't relax. He pressed three small pills into my palm - ibuprofen - and handed me a bottle of water. 

Sam was... _taking care of me_? After what I did?

Lethargy clouded my head again, making it feel too heavy for my neck. I felt strong hands pull me into warmth and a solid frame. I could hear gently spoken murmurs, feel them vibrating his chest, and it soothed me as I slipped into unconsciousness.

* * *

Anxiety attacks are such a bitch. Ugh.

I could feel the shame churning in me as I opened my eyes to a different motel room. Sam's chest was against my back, his arm resting over my stomach. Not in a restrictive way, just... cuddly. One of his long legs was even entangled in mine. No surprise there; the few times we did crash together he always was kind of an octopus in his sleep. 

But if I said it didn't feel right, or even safe, being there like that, I'd be so full of shit the toilet would be jealous.

There was a faint scent of sweat, salt, deodorant, and that underlying essence that was all Sam. The curtains were drawn but there was muted daylight and the pitter patter of rain. Indulging myself for a moment, I close my eyes and take it all in.

Under different circumstances, in another life... this would be absolutely perfect.

But the circumstances were the same as ever. Weren't they?

“I love mornings like this,” his voice rumbled sleepily in my ear. “Nowhere to run off to in a hurry, can sleep in if you want. It's nice.” Shivers traveled along my spine.

That voice should not have the effect on me that it's having. But fuck, it is.

“It was a morning like this after that shtriga hunt months ago, too. You stayed up with me the whole night, and let me vent. Then you made us coffee and cheesecake-filled donuts when we got back to the bunker. Of course, Dean ate half the batch.”

A tiny wistful smile curled the corners of my mouth. It didn't seem like that long ago, but knowing that he remembered it was nothing if not touching.

“We never got around to doing that again. It's too bad 'cause... I enjoyed that. I enjoyed the time I got to spend getting to know you.” 

A dull ache in my chest began to slowly make itself known as he spoke. 

“I thought, maybe, we could have that today. Especially since last night-”

I couldn't stop myself from interrupting. In a rushed whisper I pleaded, “Sam, I'm sorry-”

“No, let me finish,” Sam gently chided, firmly adding, “You've said enough - it's my turn to talk.”

Shit.

This was the point where I braced myself for the worst. I knew he could feel me growing tense and still in his hold. I'm certain this is where we part ways, and he's just letting me down easy.

“I know it's been rough for you lately. And it was probably a bad idea taking such an intense case so close after the last ordeal. I should have been more protective, but I didn't want you to think I didn't have faith in you or your abilities. You're a great researcher, you could be a hell of a hunter if you wanted. You're brave, resourceful, strong...and I know better now than to underestimate you. 

“But last night, that siren pointed out something that I failed to see before.” He held me tighter as he continued. “Seeing her turn you against me, even for a moment, scared the shit out of me. Not just because I was scared of losing you, but... because it meant I failed you again.”

He went silent for a moment. I laid in shock, unsure of how to respond. 

Then, hushed and trembling, “I haven't loved anyone else the way that I love you...in a long time. I thought keeping it friendly between us would protect you. Like I tried to tell you after the djinn, it's not like I haven't thought about it. I wanted to try. I still do. And I'm sorry I waited so long.”

It was like feeling nothing for a second, then everything at once. It barely registered there were tears running hot from my eyes and I couldn't stop shaking.

I wanted to rail at him so much. How could he- I mean why would- But I had just-

Every potential rebuttal came to mind. And every one of them fell apart.

His warmth left for a moment, and I felt him pull me to my back. No time was wasted as he wiped away my tears and held me until I was steady. 

When the tide in me finally ebbed, I heard, “I seem to be really good at making you cry lately. I'm sorry.”

I sniffled and made a bad attempt at levity. “It's not you - it's these damn monsters. I didn't know it was “pick-on-me day” in the monster world.” It got a bit of a chuckle at least. “Seriously though... you think I'm the strong one? I don't feel like that at all. How do you and Dean do it? All the time, all the cases. It feels like there's never enough time to recover. You guys make it look like a cakewalk. Then there's me, all anxiety and weirdness. I'm a mess, and obviously insane for thinking I could be good for you. You deserve so much better than me. I know that now.”

Sam sat up and turned on a lamp on the nightstand. He turned his attention back to me, looking for the world like a man trying to understand what he had just heard. 

“You really don't know, do you?”

Joining him against the headboard, I sat up to meet his eyes and felt extremely naked. I self-consciously pat down my body to make sure I'm still wearing my oversized t-shirt and shorts.

“You doing this in spite of your anxiety makes you stronger than you know. Every time you leave the bunker to join us for a case, every time you get us the info we need, every time you come through for us in a bad spot - you're not a liability. You're not suffering from your anxiety. You're conquering it. I see it all the time. And I admire that. Plus...I like your weirdness. It's nice to have another person in the bunker that isn't quite normal. As for whether or not I deserve better than you…”

Two of his thick fingers grazed the back of my closed hand, as if seeking access. I looked down at the touch, careful as it was innocent. 

“... I think the real question is whether or not I have a chance with you.”

Everything went still. I was certain that I wasn't breathing, my heart had stopped, and my brain ceased to function altogether. 

And there were his fingers at the back of my hand. Not pressing or urging, but comforting. Assuring, as they had been. As they would be, no matter what.

I turned my hand, slowly opening it to him. His fingertips, for all the calloused spots, are soft against my palm. I watched as my fingers reach to touch and dance with his until they finally interlace, palms pressing together.

When I met his eyes again, I saw relief and a hint of weariness. I pulled Sam back in as he shut off the light, and curled into his chest as we lay there and listened to the rain outside.

The rest of the world could wait. This was a dream I wanted to hold on to just a little bit longer.


End file.
